It’s interesting the chapters in life we play, how they flow one to another, how so many things come together in order to make any one particular moment.
The question is, is there a way to live a more creative life, without succumbing to the harsh realities of the current world?
I’m not sure that there needs to be some special purpose more than what you choose to give it.
Really, it is hard, very hard, to sustain a thought in the face of so many other shiny things in life.
Why do this, why do that, the world is full of things that take effort and things that draw away because they’re simpler.
And like I realized earlier yesterday, there doesn’t _have_ to be any one thing that fulfills all of your desires in life.
Obviously such a thing would have to be amazingly complex to satisfy all the diverse desires, and the only thing that sophisticated seems to be life itself!
There’s no shortcut, there’s no magic bullet.
It’s interesting to think that intelligence and confidence are not equivalent.
People don’t look at them the same way.
But if the question is impact, one must consider what precisely needs impacting.
If it’s general life evolution, human evolution, personal fulfillment and peace, these are all different.
Of course, it may not even be impact that matters most, it may be just internal awareness.
I question any posit, any giving of purpose to another without their consent, even yourself.
It’s internal detection, not invention.
You don’t tell yourself what you like, you do what you like and become more nuanced.
Most of life seems this way, a subtle refining of what works and what doesn’t.
Yet sometimes one has a deep sense of confusion about something, ie not wanting to do it, work on it, or even think about it.
Could this be somewhat embarrassment?
My question is, why does one get stuck at a point in a project?
Ah, how life works out.
It’s all in your head, friend, don’t forget that.
Things matter because you make them matter, you believe they matter.
It’s true what they say, home is where the heart is, and all you need is a little food and a place to lay your head.
When things aren’t going your way, get up and change them, that is what video games and life teach us.
And while some things may be out of your control, other things are not.
Focus on the circle of influence, as Stephen Covey says.
I do believe we all have thoughts and abilities the world needs and would be better with, and I think I am capable.
The hard question, the question I really don’t have an answer to, yet, is what I should be doing with my skills, my knowledge, my abilities.
It’s hard to say to do this or do that when I can’t even figure out what I want, when I can’t follow even my advice from my autobiography.
It’s that disconnect, maybe, between the familiar and unfamiliar.
Even if you know what to do, it’s still hard to do it, to pull through and do the work.
Yet I do think as we push we get stronger.
It’s interesting to realize the sadness, the grief, is really the last stage of concern.
After it passes there is a new hope, one based less on making the past better but on opening the doors for the future.
I definitely think that one will push and push while they have something to live for, be it Steve Jobs, Thomas Jefferson, etc.
It makes sense, that it hurts to die, hurts to give up, but it tends to be hopeless anyway, however when you can do a final act of good for the world, that is when you push and don’t give up.
On a certain level, now we must give up, give up the pretenses of life and society that sadden our deepest core.
For example, Up really made me weep, seeing the boy and girl live out a life, a good life, but nonetheless different from their childhood dreams of exploration, made me sob deeply.
Am I a failure in that same regard?
Have I made promises that I have not kept?
One insight from the movie was that after he accomplished his dream, finally, he could move on to a more timely one.
He fulfilled his obligation to his wife, then to the boy he was with.
He made peace with the past, he considered it resolved, and let it float away.
That’s the point of all this thinking, this confusion, this haze that torments my being and happiness.
It’s no easy thing to move forward, to untether with the past, to believe the future can be even more magnificent than you could even truly imagine.
It’s hard, and it’s undoubtedly the way forward.
All of my recent experimentation with untethering from my past has lent me that insight.
And in that regard, though I still undoubtedly feel tied down, I have had my burdens lifted.
It’s not simply by canceling the want that it goes away, because it really doesn’t if that’s all you do.
It takes deep soul searching and slow processing to cut through the cruft and let the beautiful core shine out.
Believe me, you can’t really cut out something that will help you.
It will always resurface if it’s a good idea, and if it’s not then you wouldn’t use it even when you go back and look through the past.
What does it add to you, now, to look back and see how you have changed, where you have come from?
What do you actually need, do you need any creation of yours?
What of it actually increases your utility now or in the foreseeable future?
When it comes down to it, I realize I can renounce my past, the things I used to care about but no longer do.
This isn’t a prison, this is whatever you want.
I don’t have to keep doing something just because I’ve done it a long time, or care about something just because it’s an old joy.
I am young, but honestly I expect to always be so.
Young doesn’t mean less wise, smart, knowledgeable.
Perhaps it means less experienced, but young can also mean more able to adapt.
Honestly, I do love my life, what I’ve experienced, who I am.
I can’t think of someone I’d more rather be.
I’m confident in myself, I’m not as worried about what others think as some, I’m iconoclast and revolutionary and insightful.
That’s how I feel least.
I like being me.
Even when I think about the rich and famous, I can’t think of any one of them I’d rather switch places with.
That certainly puts things in perspective, when I like myself better than I like them.
Would I like parts of them, like the intelligence of one, wisdom of another, nonchalance of the third, friendliness of the fourth?
Sure, but I don’t see how that’s an option.
I like being me, I like the overall package.
Overall I’d rather have the higher level of human fun than that animal level of fun, though it is enticing.
It’s enticing because it’s easier, but it doesn’t take you as high, in the long-run.
And the long-run is where we all end up.
It’s a balance.
You are still a human animal, you do still have emotions and they do, believe it or not, serve a purpose.
There are few who I have read and felt like I could experience consistent gains from their thoughts, Emerson is one.
Yet, I suppose there are more, if I widen the search to be implications of their thoughts, so I could recognize and understand the tropeyness of their being.
But I too am a trope, and I wish I knew what it was so I could follow it faster.
Perhaps that’s the trope, a man, promising, but who constantly questions where he is going.
I can’t bring to mind a story with him, but it feels somehow familiar, like from an Indian tale.
Yeah, it bothers me that someone would suggest meaning of life questing to be fruitless or irrelevant.
That seems like it sets you up for failure later in life.
However there is a point that can be gleaned from it, that young man has suppositions about life that often fail to turn out accurately.
Yet I have known many young and old people, all through the years, and I must admit I look at all people through that filter of the brevity and confinedness of life.
Just because you’re older than me doesn’t make you right.
There are older people than you, dead men’s writings even, and they aren’t all right.
And no matter what you’ve experienced, there is always more to experience.
I think the Dalai Lama was right in suggesting that the country places too much value on intelligence and not enough on heart.
It seems an important facet of human life, existence, and happiness.
For no matter your intelligence you can’t invent yourself happiness unless you grow and deepen your heart.
And how is that done, how does one care more deeply, while also untethering from the things one no longer cares for?
Perhaps it must be stepping back from the process that brought you to need to untether in the first place.
That constant need, really a want, to get more things to show that love.
Everything seems so simple in retrospect, doesn’t it?
It’s hard to vividly feel the confusion when looking back, even though in real time it’s quite difficult, and many other things are pressing on your attention at the same time.
I know, like I tell my kids, I can’t answer the questions for you or you won’t learn.
It’s really that simple.
If you want to be better, you have to build new connections, and that’s never really easy.
Even doing mental pushups with Mathematics only lightens the load when solving more relevant problems, you can _never_ eliminate it.
To eliminate struggle is to make life meaningless.
It’s the problems we have, the dangers we overcome, that make life more fun and meaningful.
It’s hard going through it, yes.
No, really, it’s a bitch.
I don’t think there is any way to get around that without also diminishing the good times.
Honestly, I’ve tried it.
Sure, it sucks right now, but you’ve seen how good it can be.
I remember how it was.
It wasn’t bad, but the highs were octaves lower.
There was perhaps a one octave difference between total high and low, whereas now it is more like five octaves, and overall, honestly, I think it’s higher now.
Sure, I’m more sensitive to my feelings, so it feels like wild swings, but overall I think it’s higher.
And no one is going to argue that you should say what you said before, because you were wrong, and it was a long time ago.
Honestly I haven’t thought much about how I got on that track, but I’m glad that I’m off it.
It really is a balance thing, you can’t go too far on any one track if the other trains aren’t with you or you go off the deep end.
I think I know, now, but I’ll keep my eyes and ears and tongue and fingers open.
Also my nostrils. Haha.
Don’t forget about me, bro. I really do like you the best of all.